Monday, December 31, 2007

And I Begin Again

It is kind of fitting that I begin this blog on the verge of a new year. It fits in nicely with my resolution. Usually, I have grand visions of me losing weight, and becoming sickening thin. Yeah, it's as absurd as it sounds, but it is the truth. I always wanted to be so thin that people would mention it. "You're looking TOO thin these days." "You're SOO tiny." Imagine. I am a bit obsessed with the weight issue, but don't worry too much. I am more obsessed with food, so it kind of balances out. Anyway, lose weight, work out, eat right, yada yada yada. These are my normal resolutions. I attempt them half heartedly, and within a couple of months...gone. The resolutions become "What I could do if I had more time and money." I lack discipline. Maybe I just don't care enough to follow through. Maybe it really is a matter of time and money. Oh well, those resolutions are off the table. Obviously, they weren't happening, so I decided to rethink my position.

For some time now, I have been thinking about me. Who I am, what I am about, what I do with my time and energy. I came to this conclusion. I DON'T DO ANYTHING. At least, not for me. There isn't anything in my life that is solely there for my personal enrichment. All of the things I use to do, all the creative endeavors, have been pushed aside. There really has been a huge time issue. Teaching all day, tutoring afterward, going to grad. school, having a baby, being a wife, keeping up a has all but swallowed me whole. I am no where to be found. All that is left is this hollow person who does what she has to do. This person who is so sucked up by responsibility that her voice is barely audible. I can't even hear her anymore. This is sounding a little dramatic, and that isn't where I was headed. I love my family. I love my job. (I do not love my master's program, but it's almost over.) I am content with life. However, there is an urge for more. There is a desire for personal development. That is where my resolution comes in.

My New Years resolution is simple. I challenge myself to find ME, again. Sounds corny, right? "I need to find myself." Cliche? Yeah, maybe. But it's true. Not in some dreamy, whimsical kind of way. Just in a down to earth, real kind of way. I want to be creative again. I want to find things to do with my time that are productive, and fulfilling. I want to make things, write things, become more aware of what is around me. I want to feel like I am living. No more sleepwalking.

This is my first step. Paper Wings.
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