Tuesday, March 18, 2008

So What Am I Doing?

It's late. I can't be held accountable for what this blog may say. This is my disclaimer.

It's the second day of spring break. I am starting to think that I could totally get use to this "Stay at home mom" business. As long as I could create a schedule full of outings, so I wouldn't go stir crazy...sure I could do it.

BUT...would I miss my crazy kids at school? Probably a little. Would I miss my strongly binded school based friendships that I have spent so long cultivating? Absolutely. Would I be doing a disservice to myself to be letting go of a gift that God bestowed on me? (teaching) I dont know. I would like to think, I mean, I know that my child is more important. Obviously, but would I be able to be the mother that I am if part of me disappeared? That I do not know. Is any of this a real issue since I will never be a stay at home mom? NOPE.

Sorry. I am rambling. It's 12:15 in the am, and I can't sleep. I have ten million things going on in my head, and it's creating quite the wall between me and my dreams. I am thinking about how much I want another child. How I hope this will be the month. How I dont understand why it's taking so long this time, since I only had to think pregnant before I became pregnant with Cash. I am thinking, "What is God thinking."

I am deciding what to wear tomorrow. I am already (after two days) tired of t-shirts and jeans. Since Cash and I are going to visit his dad at work for lunch, I figure it's a great time to wear my new skirt. I am debating on what color to paint my toe nails, as it's finally time for them to come out of their deep winter coma. I am wishing that my mama could be here for Easter again this year.

I am mentally renovating my home. I am mentally putting together shots for my photoblog. I am mentally planning the educational book that Lindsay and I are going to write. I am mentally getting myself ready to NOT gain 60 llbs. if I DO get pregnant. Actually, I am mentally willing myself to loose 10 llbs ASAP. Pregnant or not. Maybe I am just mental.

I am grieving over that fact that I have, at least 8 good hours of homework that must be done before this week is over. I am thinking over the pro's and con's of a subaru vs. a volvo wagon. I am trying to decide on the significance of the dream I had the other night that put me back in high school with Tyler Goodlad. Seriously, TYLER GOODLAD. What the heck?

Ok, I am thinking that you get it. I cant sleep. Mind going, literally, 90 miles an hour. Me hoping typing out my train of thought will somehow zap it all out of me, and I will once again be able to join Tyler Goodlad for lunch (platonic, of course) in my dreams. :)

Wishing you all a better night's rest...


Jules said...

When my kids were little, I wanted to stay home so badly. However, by the end of summers, I would begin to feel like I was losing part of myself. I pretended like I was a stay-at-home mom during those months.....back when we actually had a summer. Actually, I think a part-time career would have been ideal. Enough time spent out of the house and contribute to the world, but not so much that I would feel depleted of energy and too exhausted to be the mother I wanted to be.

I think that there have actually been studies to confirm that children raised by working mothers actually turn out to be more well-adjusted. I believe it sets a good example for children to see their mothers working and contributing to the greater causes of life.

You are a wonderful mother who gives her son a time, love, support, and devotion. Your teaching is not that bad either;-) You are on the right track, just try to work on that "relaxing" thing.

Love ya,

Anonymous said...

Ah, girl...I luv ya. I appreciate you putting into words the things I think almost daily. I have no answers...just a career that bounces in and out.

I have been both-at home and at work. Julie's right: part time is often perfect. It is just not often permanent. My 1/2 year job just jumped to full time.

I love being at home, until I hate it. I can actually feel myself becoming more boring and outdated after a year or so at home. On the other hand, I know my children so much better. I think I just have more energy TO know them...it is not just about the time.

I think if you are doing a job you love, and that loves you, you are okay. And, in my case as well as yours, working is just the only way to go. I spent a lot of time obsessing over what could be cut ($) in order to keep me home permanently. I finally accepted that the things that can be cut are also the things that often make our lives so enjoyable. Expensive cofee, just for fun...breakfasts out...too many expensive afterschool activities...vacations where you eat at the good places.

You'll have to remind me of this when I am whining about getting up so early and missing my kids so much...

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