Friday, January 18, 2008

Do I know you?

We were sitting in Reynolds's classroom talking while Reynolds cleaned up.She and Dunn were going to see a movie once they left. Delk and I sat at the horseshoe table, and watched Reynolds scurry around the room apologizing for a classroom in disarray. Dunn was anxiously fidgeting with her scarf and coat, only stopping to check her watch. She didn't want to be late. Someone mentioned class on Saturday, and it jolted Dunn's memory. She wanted us to go with her to see 27 Dresses after class. I really wanted to go see this movie, as it is a chic flick and there was no way I would get Andre to take me, but I already had plans to meet some old college friends for lunch. I began my attempt to persuade Dunn to change the date.

Every option that Dunn presented was an option that didn't seem to work for me and my schedule. I finally concluded that this was not going to happen, and I absolved the girls of their obligation to include me on their outing.

Here is where I started thinking.

"You've got too many friends!" Casey shouted to me.

This isn't an odd or profound statement, yet it resided with me. I began thinking a lot about it. Do I have a lot of friends? If I have a lot of friends, why are there periods of time that go by and I feel so alone? It's kind of weird. I mean, I do have a lot of friends. I have school friends, college friends, couple friends, book club friends, friends I grew up with...I spend time with all of these people. I laugh with these people. I talk with these people. I dance with these people. Yet, I wonder if these people really know who I am.

It's quite possible that my melancholy disposition enables me to be a little more dramatic when thinking about this, but there is something to it. How many people really know me? There are lots of folks out there who know parts of me, but mostly it seems like they only know what is laid out on the surface. The stuff that can be scooped up easily, and molded into a piece that fits the niche they have carved out for me. This is kind of a lonely feeling.

Andre knows me, as much as a man can really understand and know a woman. He is my best friend, and I share everything that I am able to share with him. However,I am talking about another realm. Friends. Girlfriends. Part of why I feel like this is because I have always had a sidekick, for a lack of a better word. Growing up it was Lynnette and Becky, college gave me Cindy, Becky Lee, and Kathy, post college time was spent with Erin. Now I am all grown up, a changed person from my youth, and those friends are far away.

I suppose I miss having the sidekick. Realistically, there isn't time for a sidekick. I have family, work, school...but I do miss having a friend that I call or she calls me on a daily basis. Just to chat, talk about what's going on in our domesticated lives. Someone to meet for wine night at Mudpie, someone to yard sale with, someone to craft with, someone to shop at Target with. I miss that intimate interaction that comes from being so close with a friend that you can just hang out at home, doing nothing, and it seems like the best time in the world. I feel like I dont know anyone well enough to do those things with.

My friends that I spend time with now are great. Lovely women who care for me, and I for them. They are people that I would love to get to know better, and allow them to actually know me, too. But we aren't there yet, and this is something that one can't force. All of this leaves me with a small void.


Amy said...

I think that it gets harder as you get older to really connect to people. Or maybe that is just what i have made myself believe...but I understand what your feeling. Instead of going out with friends on the weekend I usually just find myself hanging out with my mom if Ike is not around.

Jules said...

Okay, I just now read your post. I believe I understand what you're feeling. I just went through this much earlier in life. Kevin and I married and had a family so young, I lost touch with close friends in my early adulthood. I think we, as women, tend to put everything into our families. I know I did. And now that my kids are getting older and don't need (or want) as much attention, I'm looking around thinking....."Okay, what do I do?"
I admire the fact that you do make an effort to keep up with your friends. You may not be aware of their daily activities, but true friendships endure across time. I hope to be friends with you for a long, long time(:

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